What is narcissism?
As family lawyers, we see more than our fair share of narcissism and narcissists. This is because narcissistic behaviour can create intolerable stress in a relationship and lead to the breakdown of a marriage or partnership. “Narcissist” is a word that is thrown around a lot, but what does it mean? A narcissist is someone who has an exaggerated sense of self-importance and a constant craving to be recognised for their achievements and successes. Although there are different types of narcissist, they usually exhibit:
- A lack of empathy
- Manipulative behaviour
- A conviction that they are successful, powerful, and attractive
- A sense of entitlement and social importance
- Arrogance and contempt towards others
- A belief that others are envious of them
Why divorcing a narcissist is difficult
Divorce is never easy. But divorce from a narcissist has unique challenges. Narcissists want to win, and this can make negotiations around finance, property, and children lengthy, messy and unpleasant. The narcissist is unlikely to seek a workable compromise or a win-win solution. Inevitably it will be a high-conflict divorce.
The narcissist will try to shift the blame for the divorce onto their spouse. They are unlikely to accept any negative consequences of the divorce, such as restricted access to their children, and will deny their role in the relationship breakdown or blame the other person for everything. Conversely, they may play the victim, painting a picture of unfair treatment in an attempt to gain attention and sympathy from family, friends and the court. Narcissists don’t like to be rejected and they may react to the divorce with aggression. Be prepared for false accusations and provocation.
Coping with divorce from a narcissist
Keep a cool head and remember “it’s not you, it’s them”. The narcissist will constantly try to undermine you and sow seeds of self-doubt, so be aware of this and don’t succumb to it. Have a strategy to navigate your high-conflict divorce:
- Set boundaries
- Maintain a support network
- Document everything
- Focus on your wellbeing
- Limit contact with your ex
- Secure your finances
- Consult a parenting coordinator (if children are involved)
- Seek the guidance of an expert divorce attorney
At SD Law & Associates we are experts in divorce and family law and have dealt with many cases of narcissistic control in intimate relationships. If you are in a high-conflict relationship and considering divorce, or just want to discuss your options, we can guide you through the process with compassion and dignity. Contact Simon on 086 099 5146 or email sdippenaar@sdlaw.co.za.