Because I Love You: coercive control and emotional harm

Another look at coercive control and how to recognise it

Recently, in Scotland a man was convicted of killing his wife, in a case seen as a significant legal milestone (HMA v. Lee Milne). As femicide is an all-too-common crime, why is this a landmark case? Because the woman in question took her own life, by jumping from a bridge. She was a victim – unfortunately not a survivor (the language we prefer to use) – of repeated domestic abuse and coercive control. Her estranged husband was found guilty of culpable homicide due to his prolonged cruelty towards her. While the police had investigated domestic abuse allegations that included choking and punching, it is likely that what drove this woman to suicidal despair was the “mental torture” over a period of 18 months she described to a mental health nurse. Her husband bullied her, shouting and swearing at her and isolating her from her family.

The conviction is a welcome development in the ongoing struggle to end violence against women, but whether it will deter other men from abusive behaviour is debatable. However, it sheds new light on the hidden nature of abuse and coercive control. We are rightly appalled when a woman is raped or beaten by a partner and there are many services available to assist survivors (though we acknowledge that women often struggle to access them). Much less obvious – but possibly even more common – is the incidence of coercive control and emotional harm. Invisible and corrosive, the effect is devastating because – to the outside observer – nothing seems wrong in the relationship. The couple may even appear to be “perfectly matched”.

Because I Love You

South African author Joy Watson has written a booked called “Because I Love You,” in which she tells the story of three women in relationships characterised by coercive control and emotional harm. The stories are lightly fictionalised to protect the women brave enough to share their stories, but the book is not fiction. Watson wrote it to draw attention to these socially acceptable types of harm: gaslighting, silence, withdrawal, and what she calls “emotional erasure”. Emotional harm is destabilising; indeed it drove a young Scottish woman to throw herself off a bridge. It can do as much harm as physical violence. Watson describes emotional harm as “quiet” or “slow” violence.

Why do women stay in these relationships?

“But why doesn’t she just leave?” This question is heard repeatedly, voiced by people who have no understanding of how coercive control works. So many factors are at play – fear, shame, self-doubt. The fear may be real. Data from the Femicide Census in the UK indicates that c. 40% of women killed by a current or former partner were in the process of leaving or had recently left the relationship and suffered post-separation abuse when they were killed. The controlling partner may threaten or intimidate the woman, particularly if she talks about ending the relationship.

Shame often results from a woman’s own disappointment in herself. If she is successful in her professional life or considers herself socially and politically aware, she may be embarrassed to find herself in such a damaging relationship.

Or she may think she deserves it. A feature of coercive control is degradation and humiliation, so the woman feels worthless. This is the “emotional erasure” Watson describes. She may also be financially dependent on the partner, even if she earns an income. Financial abuse is another common technique used by coercive controllers.

Patterns, not isolated incidents

In “Because I Love You,” Watson stresses that harm lies in patterns. All couples argue. Everyone at some point feels ignored or undervalued. But conflicts in healthy relationships are quickly resolved. In a relationship involving emotional harm, there is repeated, inconsistent and destabilising behaviour. These repeated patterns are the red flags that signal a harmful situation. Watson also situates these private dynamics within the broader social context of domination and silencing that are particularly evident in South Africa, with our troubled history. We inhabit a gendered social order that is still characterised by power imbalances between men and women; and these shape how relationships are conducted. Furthermore, this happens within and alongside a political context in which the empowerment of women has been a priority and women represent almost 50% of Parliament. It’s inevitable that some women who are empowered in public are suffering in private – and feeling ashamed by it.

Reclaiming self-trust

Watson tells the three stories – and weaves her own experience into the narrative – to shine a light on the harm that hides behind normality. She encourages readers to learn to recognise the patterns – either in their own lives or in the lives of friends and family – and she urges women in particular to reclaim their self-trust in a world that often teaches them to doubt themselves.

Coercive control – practical steps

At SD Law, we’ve written extensively about abusive relationships, femicide, coercive control, and breaking free. The following series of articles gives practical advice on how to move on from a toxic and potentially dangerous relationship, from coping strategies within the relationship, to planning and executing your escape safely, to plotting your new life course:

• Understanding the dynamics of an abusive relationship
• Breaking chains: understanding the complex barriers to leaving an abusive relationship
• Making your escape
• Moving on from abuse

If you need help NOW

If you are living with a controlling partner and need to secure a protection order or want to discuss divorce or parenting issues, call Simon now on 086 099 5146 or email sdippenaar@sdlaw.co.za for a confidential discussion. If you are not ready to call, you can request a discreet callback at a time that suits you.

SD Law has deep experience of helping women escape abusive partners. We can connect you to support services, help you leave your situation without harm, and make sure you and your children are safe.

Because I Love You is published by Jonathan Ball Publishers.

SD Law – Simon Dippenaar & Associates Inc.

Attorneys, Notaries & Conveyancers

SD Law is a Cape Town law firm with a strong practice in divorce and family law, urgent eviction matters, antenuptial contracts, liquor licence applications and selected commercial disputes. Clients instruct us when the matter is urgent, high-stakes or strategically sensitive, and when they want direct, clear legal advice backed by practical litigation experience.

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