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Tag Archive: parental alienation

Parental Alienation and the Child

Deliberate parental alienation harms the child more than the parent

When divorcing or divorced parents engage in tactics that give rise to parental alienation, the individual who suffers the most is the child. It may be tempting for an aggrieved parent suffering through an acrimonious divorce to want to portray the other parent in the worst possible light. Hurt and anger can cause a parent to denigrate the partner in front of the child, causing parental alienation or its more severe sibling, Parental Alienation Syndrome. If one parent feels isolated and betrayed, it’s a natural response to want the child or children “on side”. However, whether the other parent deserves the label of villain or not, this behaviour is extremely harmful to the mental health of the child.

A parent-child pair experiencing parental alienation can rebuild a trusting relationship. It takes time and patience but is important for mental wellbeing.

No one is innocent – except the child

According to Cafcass, the UK’s Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service, parental alienation is rarely one-directional, i.e. aimed at one parent by the other. More commonly, it is a complex set of behaviours that may impact on every transaction within the family. The post-separation environment is a high-conflict zone. Rarely is one parent entirely the victim and the other solely the perpetrator of emotional punishment. When parents are at war, the child becomes collateral damage.

Impact of parental alienation on a child

Parental alienation is emotional child abuse and should be treated as seriously as any other form of abuse. Despite this, it is often not recognised or acknowledged in child custody disputes. The alienated child often feels insecure, anxious and overwhelmed, experiencing feelings of guilt and confusion.

The alienated child may be confused as to the adult-child role, particularly if they are older, i.e. pre-teen or teenage. Triangulation, the emotional manipulation of the child to create an emotional partner, is a common feature of parental alienation. In this scenario the child feels responsible and obliged to step in and protect and care for the victim-parent. The child is robbed of the ability to form trust (the cornerstone of relationships) in intimate relationships and lacks confidence in forming and maintaining healthy relationships. The child may also display clinging behaviour and separation anxiety. They may develop anxiety and have poor peer relationships and other mental health issues. The alienated child suffers from a loss of a sense of self and is placed within a situation that is emotionally beyond their coping ability.

Anyone working with the child or the family should be alert to these symptoms and prepared to step in.

What can be done?

As per the philosophy behind the Children’s Act, the interests of the alienated child must come first. Whether parent, grandparent, caregiver or professional mediator, anyone playing a role in the child’s life must view every family interaction through the lens of the child. The focus should be firmly on the alienated child and the factors that have contributed to the alienation. Then it is critical that steps are taken to rectify the situation. There is no evidence to show that waiting for alienation to resolve itself is effective, nor should children be allowed to decide which parent they should live with.

Rebuilding trust step by step

There are many instances of adults who were permanently alienated from one parent as children and have suffered life-long emotional consequences. To prevent this long-term outcome, there are ways to rebuild trust and re-establish a loving parental relationship. The child and alienated parent need to be assisted in the process of re-attachment, which must be sensitively phased and take account of the child’s developmental level, maturity and emotional resilience.

Here in South Africa and in other countries there are various psycho-educational and family therapy programmes that attempt to help severely alienated children of divorce rebuild the damaged relationship with the alienated parent. These programmes aim:

  • To initiate contact between the alienated parent and child
  • To provide psycho-educational training to the parents
  • To develop child-focused parental involvement
  • To re-establish reality and correct distorted perceptions of the self, both by the child and by the parents
  • To relieve the burden on the child and distance them from the conflict of loyalties between the parents
  • To rebuild the fractured emotional relationship by creating new shared experiences in a structured, safe and relaxed environment
  • To restore communication
  • To improve conflict management and family dynamics

Through these programmes children re-learn a healthy and balanced view of both parents and gradually renewed and happy parent-child relationships can develop. But it takes time. However hard it may be, the alienated parent must be patient.

Is this you?

Have you experienced parental alienation? Are you estranged from your child or is your contact with your child traumatic due to symptoms of parental alienation? Cape Town Divorce Attorneys, Simon Dippenaar & Associates Inc. is an established Cape Town family lawyer with extensive expertise in divorce and family law. We will ensure your legal rights are upheld and can link you to the appropriate support that will enable you to restore your relationship with your child.

Cape Town Attorneys and Lawyers,  Simon Dippenaar & Associates Inc. has a reputation for empathy and professionalism, with a personal touch. We will listen to you and help you find a solution that is in the best interests of all parties – most importantly the child.

Call Simon on 086 099 5146 or email

Read what satisfied clients have to say about Simon Dippenaar & Associates, Inc.


Further reading:



“On behalf of all abused woman and children The Reeva Rebecca Steenkamp Foundation would like to thank Simon Dippenaar from SD Law South Africa for going beyond and assisting our client with a very difficult case.
Family Law requires a very special person, just being a good lawyer is not enough.”


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Parental Alienation

What is it and how can it be prevented?

Parental alienation is a sad by-product of divorce or other breakdown between parents. Unfortunately, it is usually the result of deliberate sabotage by one parent against the other. It is very rarely an organic response by the child, provided there is no physical or emotional abuse present. According to clinical psychologist, Dr Marilé Viljoen, “Parental alienation is a set of processes and behaviours conducted and enacted by a parent to deliberately and knowingly damage or sever the relationship between a child and another parent with whom the child enjoyed a prior loving relationship.” A child may express “disapproval and even hatred toward a parent they loved and respected before the separation or divorce”.

Parental alienation - divorce attorney Cape Town

Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)

Strictly speaking, there is a distinction between Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) and simple parental alienation. However, the difference is one of degree. For the purposes of understanding the concept, we will use the term ‘parental alienation’ to refer to all types of alienation between a parent and child in the context of separating parents.

Estrangement vs. parental alienation

It is important to differentiate between estrangement and alienation. While estrangement is sad and all too common, it does not arise from the same vindictive motives as parental alienation. Estrangement refers to the breakdown of the relationship between a parent and child, which may come about because of the parent’s:

  • Poor treatment of the child
  • Abuse or neglect of the child
  • Poor parenting behaviour
  • Low insight into parenting behaviour
  • Inability to understand the child’s world or to place themselves in the child’s shoes
  • The struggle to take responsibility for their own emotions and behaviour

Some of these factors can be blamed on the parent; some are unconscious behaviours. None is driven by the other parent, as is the case with parental alienation.


Although we talk about parental alienation as a consequence of divorce, the roots of it can often be found in the family dynamics before the marriage ends. It can be argued that the dying days of a relationship, when the couple still inhabits a common home, can be more damaging to a child than the divorce itself. Where children are used as emotional bargaining tools they are often manipulated into a situation where they side with one parent or the other. When the relationship between the parents is resolved, even via divorce, children are often relieved of the triangulation and harmonious relations with both parents can be restored.

What does parental alienation look like?

Parental alienation can mild, moderate or severe. At its most extreme it can include irrational fears and paranoia. Whatever the degree of parental alienation, it is usually characterised by some or all of the following:

  • Denigration and hatred of the targeted parent. The child cannot recall or denies any positive past experiences and wants no contact with the once-loved parent. This rejection can happen very suddenly.
  • Weak or ridiculous rationalisation for intense hostility. If the child is asked the reason for rejection, the explanation often seems innocuous, the behaviour out of proportion to the motive for it.
  • Lack of usual ambivalence about the targeted parent. In other words, children with healthy parental relationships normally display mixed feelings towards their parents. With parental alienation, one parent is perfect and the other is irrevocably flawed.
  • Assertion by an adamant child that the decision to reject the other parent is theirs alone, despite the obvious influence of one parent on the child’s thinking.
  • Reflexive support of the favoured parent in the conflict. This means that the alienated parent has no ability to influence the child at all. The child will blindly support the favoured parent.
  • Lack of guilt over the treatment of the alienated parent. The child may be rude, ungrateful, spiteful and cold toward the alienated parent and displays no empathy at all.
  • Use of borrowed scenarios and phrases from the alienating parent. The child may make accusations that are beyond their understanding or level of literacy.
  • The mistreatment of the alienated parent may extend to rejection of the extended family or even friends of that parent.

The impact of parental alienation on the divorce process

Statistics from the UK cite parental alienation as the main factor in approximately 80% of the most difficult cases that come before the family courts. Here in South Africa, these cases are the most challenging for family lawyers to deal with.

Parental alienation is no less than child abuse. According to Anthony Douglas, CEO of the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service in the UK (Cafcass), the deliberate manipulation of a child by one parent against the other is a common feature of family breakdowns and should be treated as neglect or abuse and not accepted as an inevitable consequence of divorce.

Are you the victim of parental alienation? 

Cape Town Law firm Simon Dippenaar & Associates Inc. has extensive expertise in divorce and family law. If you are alienated from your child as a result of an acrimonious divorce, we can help you draw up a parenting plan that will gradually and sensitively enable you to restore your relationship with your child. We can arrange for the services of a mediator or child psychologist if required. We know that a child cannot be forced to revive love for a parent when love and respect have been undermined. It is a slow and delicate process. But we can work towards a form of reconciliation with the other parent that will hopefully remove the alienating influence.

Cape Town Divorce Attorneys, Simon Dippenaar & Associates Inc. has a reputation for empathy and professionalism, with a personal touch. We will listen to you and help you find a solution that is in the best interests of all parties – most importantly the child.

Call one of our Cape Town family lawyer on 086 099 5146 or email

Read what satisfied clients have to say about Simon Dippenaar & Associates, Inc.


Further reading:


Reeva Steenkamp Foundation

“On behalf of all abused woman and children The Reeva Rebecca Steenkamp Foundation would like to thank Simon Dippenaar from SD Law South Africa for going beyond and assisting our client with a very difficult case.
Family Law requires a very special person, just being a good lawyer is not enough.”

Read More