Notice to South Africans: Please visit sacoronavirus.co.za for up to date information on the COVID-19 outbreak.

Tag Archive: divorce

“I co-parent with my ex, but he threatens me and expects sex”

It’s time to free yourself from your manipulative former husband, says Mariella Frostrup

Reprinted from the Guardian – 2020-09-06

This reader’s dilemma from the UK’s Guardian newspaper caught our eye. It is not uncommon for divorced co-parents to continue in an emotionally dependent and unhealthy relationship. The constant contact of raising children can make it hard to sever the ties completely. This counsellor gives sound advice.

co-parenting with a manipulative ex
‘Our son is tired of the situation and so am I, but I can’t see a way out.’ Photograph: Azat_ajphotos/Getty Images/iStockphoto

 

The dilemma I split with my husband when my son was three – he was selfish and did not enjoy being a father. But we parted amicably and agreed to co-parent our son. I hoped for another relationship and another child.

Twelve years later and I have had one relationship, which caused my ex-husband to threaten suicide. He has constantly been in and out of my life – at first I thought he wanted to reconcile, but I realised he wants to cherry-pick the parts of marriage that suit him (mostly sex) and then go to his own house when he “needs space”. Whenever I put my foot down he threatens to take our son away. Even going to a solicitor didn’t help.

 

I feel like his mother. He turns up whenever he wants advice, and I help him (to my own detriment, as he is very depressive and pessimistic). He is on the autism spectrum and his family really don’t care about him. Other times he turns up for the evening with alcohol, wanting to stay the night and I let him, to save another argument. Our son is now 15 and my ex is still trying to get him to live with him, despite the fact that he works shifts and is out of the house for hours. Our son is tired of the situation and so am I, but I can’t see a way out. How will I ever have my own life?

Mariella replies It sounds simplistic, but where many of us go wrong is in refusing to take agency of our own lives – instead allowing others to make subservient our personal desires. It’s very hard, stuck in one form of reality, to conceive and create another, but it’s important that you dream up a vision for the future that’s realistic and achievable.

Your husband has maintained control over both you and his son for more than a decade, cynically placing his emotional needs and desires above both of yours. As you observe, it’s high time that you freed yourself from that bind, but this sense that you are doing it for your son is really a cover for your fear of taking your life in your own hands. Desperately holding on to your boy is neither necessary nor the answer. And I can reassure you that no court is going to significantly alter custody arrangements just because you put your foot down about your ex-husband’s overnight stays. Any fears over the custody of your son can be addressed through family mediation (try the Family Mediation Council or National Family Mediation).

I’m sad to hear that you haven’t found another partner or had the second child you desired, but you have to see how the perpetual helicoptering presence of your ex will have put people off.

While this situation continues you’re not free or available. Instead, you’re enabling your husband to stay in the driving seat of your life. I’m glad that you’ve managed to co-parent with him amicably, but at what cost? It really does sound as if your husband is a manipulative presence who has ensured that you’ve never enjoyed the freedom that should have been yours when you made the hard choice to move out.

Up until now he seems very much to have had his cake and eaten it with little opposition from you. He can’t take your boy away – that is an empty threat – and, very shortly, your son will be able to make his own choice. If he decides to hang out with his dad through his A-levels, good luck to him! You need to stop loading the responsibility for your entrapment on the fragile shoulders of your teenage son. What will make him want to stick around is the sight of you grasping your life with both hands and freeing him from his confusing position as a prize in a competition between his parents. You can get help in escaping from your husband’s manipulative behaviour – organisations such as Women’s Aid (womensaid.org.uk) or Refuge (refuge.org.uk; 0808 2000 247) can advise you over what is, essentially, a kind of coercive control. And it goes without saying that if you are concerned about his threats of suicide, start a dialogue with him and suggest he seeks help (stayingsafe.net).

Your ex has used you as an emotional crutch, handy booty-call and as a way to access his son without any responsibilities. Why would you give so much away for so little return? These are questions you need to ask yourself because, without understanding your impulses, you are unlikely to be able to change them.

The bargaining chip in all this seems to be your son, and your ex will have been aware of that. In three years he will be free to strike out on his own and if you and his father are still locked in this dance, he’ll want to put as much distance between himself and both of you as possible.

Now is your last chance to enhance his still formative life experience by making some adult choices – ideally together with his father. A clear position and a voice at the table are the least he should be equipped with as he steps towards his own destiny.

 

We can help

SD Law & Associates are experts in divorce and family law and have dealt with many types of parenting issues. If your ex makes contact visits difficult, we can help you manage the situation, with a protection order, parenting plan, or other relevant intervention. Contact us on 086 099 5146 or 076 116 0623 or email simon@sdlaw.co.za. Your enquiry will be dealt with in the utmost confidence.

Further reading:

Contact numbers:

  • GBV Command Centre: 0800 428 428 / *120*7867# from any cell phone
  • Persons with disabilities, SMS ‘help’ to 31531
  • Women Abuse Helpline: 0800 150 150
  • Childline: 0800 055 555
Read More

South African Court awards maintenance and legal costs to abused wife in a Rule 43

We’ve all heard about the long arm of the law.

While that arm may be long, it’s not always very strong.

I have been embroiled in a particularly emotional matter.

My client had been struggling under the pressure of her narcissistic husband for years.

Eventually, she could take it no more and found temporary accommodation and moved out.

He was not prepared to allow her to try to regain her life and, as is often the case, he used he financial predicament as a way to try to force her to return to him.

She had to be strong and had to resist moving back to a life of emotional exploitation and abuse.

She weathered the storm while a Rule 43 was being brought for interim maintenance by borrowing money to survive.

Her husband pleaded poverty and used a temporary salary cut to justify offering her absolutely no maintenance.

On the day of the hearing, we tried to settle but her husband’s attorney said they his client could offer absolutely nothing because he did not earn enough.

Settlement was impossible so the matter had to be heard by a judge.

My client won maintenance and legal costs, and it seemed that the law indeed had come to the aid of my client.

But the law can be weak in certain cases.

I have others similar to this where the spouse tries at all costs to circumvent the law.

In this case, the husband now claims he is medically unfit to work and has booked himself into hospital for depression.

So, while there is an order in her favour, he will try to find a way to circumvent paying her maintenance even if it means hurting himself.

Unfortunately, there are instances where the law is weak and where the conniving try to escape the net.

If you need help with spousal and/or child maintenance and legal costs, contact Simon today by email at simon@sdlaw.co.za.

Related reading:

Read More

International child custody

TAKING CHILDREN ABROAD POST-DIVORCE

Moving overseas with a child is subject to certain conditions. Don't fall foul of them.

It is becoming increasingly common for couples to marry across borders. International travel is more accessible and over the past decade there has been an influx of immigration into South Africa, resulting in more marriages between partners of different nationalities. Inevitably, some of these marriages will end in divorce. Equally predictably, some parents will want to return to their country of birth with the children of the marriage…in other words they will seek international child custody.

In this post we will look at 1) how you can do that legally and 2) what to do if the other parent has removed your child to another country without your consent.

INTERNATIONAL CHILD CUSTODY: WHAT THE LAW SAYS – THE CHILDREN’S ACT 2005

South African law does not explicitly govern international child custody, and relocation with children post-divorce. All matters concerning children are legislated by the Children’s Act 2005. This progressive piece of legislation takes the focus away from the rights of the parents and places the child at the heart of all decisions. “In all matters concerning the care, protection and well-being of a child the standard that the child’s best interest is of paramount importance must be applied” (Section 9). The Children’s Act does not directly mention the relocation of one parent or the other, nor does it legislate consent procedures. However, Section 18 stipulates that consent of both parents is needed if one or other wants to emigrate with the child(ren).

The wellbeing of the child extends beyond simple contact with each parent. In some cases the move might be in the child’s best interests. For example, if one parent has an employment opportunity overseas that will significantly enhance the quality of life or environment the child experiences, that situation may be considered as good for the child as remaining near the non-custodial parent. South African law has tended to decide international child custody matters on a case-by-case basis. Furthermore, the views of the children will be considered, though not necessarily accommodated.

While relocating with a child is not as difficult as you might think, it is still a situation that needs to be handled carefully and with due consideration for the law. Failure to follow the correct procedures could have unwelcome consequences down the line. Furthermore, once a child is settled in an environment, even a foreign one, courts are usually reluctant to disrupt the child’s wellbeing by reversing an earlier decision. So if you are considering moving abroad with your child, or if your child’s other parent is relocating with your consent, it is a good idea to take legal advice regarding international child custody. Cape Town family law firm SD Law will ensure your conduct complies with the Children’s Act, in letter and in spirit. We will look after the interests of the child while at the same time respecting your wishes and those of the other parent.

INTERNATIONAL CHILD ABDUCTION

International child abduction is a much more serious matter and is increasingly common globally, as air travel becomes more affordable. The abducting parent may not think of themselves as such or even realise that their behaviour is classed as abduction.

International child abduction is monitored (note – not governed; it is not a piece of legislation) by the Hague Convention on Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction (“the Hague Convention”). The Hague Convention is an international treaty designed to prevent the removal of a child from their home jurisdiction by a parent (or other caregiver) without the consent of the other parent. It also aims to return a child thus illegally removed to their home country. South Africa has been a signatory to the Hague Convention since 1 October 1997 (ratified in 1996).

The Hague Convention defines the removal of a child as improper if it breaches the custody right of anyone based on the laws of the nation where the child was resident prior to their removal. Where two parents have shared (equal) care of a child (i.e. custody), both parents must give consent for a child to be removed, as also required by Section 18 of the Children’s Act. When there is a dispute about a child’s care between countries that are both signatories of the Hague Convention, the courts of the destination country are responsible for returning the child, if appropriate, i.e. unless there is a risk of a human rights violation such as female genital mutilation, and as quickly as possible. Under the Hague Convention, the return should be effected within six weeks.

INTERNATIONAL CHILD ABDUCTION: THE HAGUE CONVENTION IN AFRICA

Unfortunately, only South Africa, Mauritius and Zambia are signatories to the Hague Convention on the African continent. This can make the return of the child more complex, and naturally many  marriages in South Africa are between nationals of African countries. Therefore the Hague Convention does not apply. The Convention only applies to wrongful removals that occur after the treaty comes into effect between two countries.

The return of a child, whether from a Hague Convention signatory country or other, is a matter for the Central Authority in South Africa (the Family Advocate’s Office). You can approach the Central Authority on your own behalf, but it is strongly advised to use the services of capable family law attorneys to lodge an application to court. The Central Authority can be overwhelmed with child abduction applications and a good divorce lawyer, with deep knowledge of child law, can navigate the pathway more expediently than a private individual. The Central Authority will oversee the process. Your legal representative will seek to:

  • Discover the location of the child
  • Secure the voluntary return of the child if possible, or initiate legal proceedings

DEALING WITH A FOREIGN COURT

With luck, and in most cases, the Central Authority and/or your divorce attorney will be able to locate your child and negotiate their return without involving foreign courts. However, if the matter does go to court, there are factors beyond legislation to bear in mind. Has your child been taken to a jurisdiction where cultural or religious beliefs are different to ours? Some countries have a tendency to grant sole custody to mothers. Others may lean toward awarding care to fathers. If a girl child is promised in marriage at a young age, traditional cultures may defend this practice and resist returning the child to the home country. While you can’t change entrenched beliefs in another jurisdiction, the more you are aware of the issues that may impact your case and the better prepared your legal advisers, the greater your chances of success.

WHAT YOU WILL NEED

In order to begin the proceedings,  for international child custody, that will hopefully result in the return of your child, you need:

  • Completed questionnaire in English
  • Recent photographs of the child and the parent who abducted them
  • Certified copies of birth certificates
  • Proof of parental rights, such as court orders concerning care and contact (custody and access) and/or guardianship
  • Certified copy of marriage certificate, if relevant
  • Last known details of the child and the abducting parent’s possible location
  • Sworn translations in English of all relevant documentation in other languages (e.g. marriage certificates)

WE’LL SUPPORT YOU EVERY STEP OF THE WAY

At Cape Town family lawyers, we know that being separated from your child is traumatic for you and them. We will work tirelessly to effect a speedy reunion with as little distress for all parties as possible.

If you are relocating with the full consent of the other parent, we will help you revise your parenting plan to reflect the changed circumstances and protect the rights and interests of the child and both parents. Excellent legal advice regarding international child custody will ensure the best outcome in either scenario.

Contact Simon on 086 099 5146 or email simon@sdlaw.co.za to discuss your case in confidence.

Further reading:

Read More
Read More
Read More

Suffer the little children – Narcissist Behaviour

Narcissist relationship with SD Law

 

A while ago we wrote about narcissistic relationships. We were shocked and humbled by the response. It seems there are many people in our fair city who are suffering abuse at the hands of partners – male and female – and many were unaware that the behaviour they were experiencing constituted abuse.

Read More