Post-separation abuse is not just “high-conflict divorce”

Domestic or intimate partner violence doesn’t always end on divorce

We hear a lot about high-conflict divorce. We hear less about post-divorce violence, or post-separation abuse, to use the common nomenclature in the psychological literature. It does not differentiate between married and unmarried couples. Many family law experts believe describing a divorce as “high-conflict” often masks the more sinister phenomenon of domestic abuse, which is not mutual conflict but one-way aggression. High conflict involves both partners challenging each other, fighting – in and out of court, and both equally responsible for the conflict. But where there is physical or emotional violence in a marriage, it not only leads to high-conflict divorce, it often continues after divorce. This year, during the 16 Days of Activism for No Violence Against Women and Children, we focus on post-separation abuse. Sadly, for many women, the end of the marriage does not signify the end of the abuse. We examine the nature of post-separation abuse and offer some tips on how to prevent or avoid it.

Understanding post-separation abuse

Breaking free of an abusive relationship is an important – and huge – step, but it is unfortunately only the first step and not the last for many women. Post-separation abuse is common and often continues long after the marriage or relationship has ended. Post-separation abuse can be defined as an ongoing, wilful pattern of intimidation of a former intimate partner, whether married or not. It includes legal abuse, economic abuse, threats and endangerment to children, isolation and discrediting and harassment and stalking. Co-parenting can be difficult or impossible and certainly ineffective. Ongoing abuse can perpetuate the trauma and stress experienced by the survivor and her children, reinforcing the cycle of harm and pain. Separation from an abusive partner is often viewed with relief by friends and family and is seen as the solution to violence. However, the risk of femicide often increases following separation. After separation from an abusive partner, up to 90% of women report continued harassment, stalking or abuse.

Forms of post-separation abuse

Post-separation abuse takes many forms, just as all intimate partner violence does. Certain tactics emerge that may not have been evident before, due to the change in proximity of the principal target. In other words, if the partner is out of reach, the abusive spouse (or unmarried partner; we use “spouse” for expediency) may seek to intimidate her through children or family members. They may use coercion or threats, suggesting they will take the children away, publish intimate photos on social media, or cause disruption at her place of work. Post-separation abuse includes:

• Physical abuse: a continuation of direct harm or threats
• Emotional abuse:
  • Using intimidation and fear, such as causing damage to property
  • Isolating and discrediting her, such as spreading rumours or claiming she is mentally unstable
  • Threatening self-harm (such as drug use or suicide) to convince her to return
  • Minimising abuse by making light of their actions or accusing her of overexaggerating
  • Denying past abusive behaviour
  • Blaming her or others for their behaviour
  • Monitoring calls or messages
  • Stalking her on social media
  • Using a tracker (such as an Airpod) to track her movements without her knowledge
• Financial abuse:
  • Blocking access to bank accounts
  • Emptying joint accounts
  • Refusing to pay maintenance, even if ordered by the court
  • Refusing to pay agreed costs, such as school fees, or paying them late, causing stress
• Legal abuse:
  • Filing excessive and/or frivolous motions, dragging out legal proceedings, or exploiting the legal system to intimidate. This is often mistaken for a “high-conflict divorce”
  • Making false accusations of child abuse or criminal behaviour against her
  • Suing her

Psychological effect on the survivor

Women who manage to escape an abusive domestic situation are often disappointed when they don’t suddenly feel “empowered” or “free”. If their abusive spouse continues to exert coercive control over them, via the behaviours described above, the survivor continues to feel traumatised and fearful. She may feel insecure and mistrustful and emotionally exhausted, rather than liberated. Family and friends may expect her to have a new lease on life, and therefore she feels misunderstood and unsupported.

Post-separation abuse and children

As with all intimate partner violence, any children of the relationship suffer, even if they are not directly physically abused. Post-separation abuse has both immediate and long-term effects on children. They experience what child psychologists refer to as “adverse childhood experiences” (ACEs). This term is used to describe any traumatic event during childhood (such as divorce, violence, emotional abuse, neglect, or any environment or circumstance that undermines a child’s sense of stability). Toxic stress from ACEs can affect brain development and the body’s response to stress. ACEs are linked to chronic health problems, mental illness, and substance misuse in adulthood.

Children may also be used to channel the abuse aimed at their mother. Tactics may include parental alienation, i.e., turning the child against the other parent, or counter-parenting, i.e., working against the other parent or caregiver instead of cooperating. For example, the abusive spouse may deliberately oppose the other parent on major parenting decisions, disrupt the child’s routine or schedule, or undermine the other parent’s rules for acceptable behaviour. Even more damaging, the abusive spouse may engage in “subversive abuse”, failing to feed or bathe the child or putting the child at harm, for example by not restraining the child appropriately in a vehicle.

In divorce proceedings, post-separation abuse is often associated with high-conflict child custody battles. But the conflict is not really about custody; it is about the abuser’s need to exert control over their partner and punish or emotionally harm her.

Preventing and addressing post-separation abuse

There are legal protections in place, such as protection orders, that can help survivors of intimate partner abuse and violence, whether pre- or post-divorce or separation. However, a protection order may not prevent all the behaviours described above. It’s important to work with a good family lawyer who understands abuse dynamics. They can offer support and coping strategies. It’s also helpful to seek support from women’s organisations, therapists, and advocacy groups.

A survivor’s response to post-separation abuse is highly personal. What works for one person may be a dangerous move for another. Here are some tips that may help. They are similar to the advice given for dealing with a narcissist or controlling partner in a relationship.

• Don’t try reasoning with an abuser. It only leads to frustration and can exacerbate emotional abuse.
• Boundaries are critical. Refuse to engage in arguments.
• Limit contact: If you can’t avoid the abusive spouse altogether, limit contact limited to public spaces or events where others are around.
• Limit the abuser’s access: Open a separate bank account and change passwords to social media accounts if you suspect they have access.
• Confide in people you trust: Close friends and family members can provide emotional support.
• Join support groups: Speaking with other survivors can help you process your experience in a safe environment. They can also help you manage your abuser’s attempts to control you further.
• Get help: Hotlines, domestic violence shelters, and counsellors are sources of advice and practical help.
• Document the abuse: Documenting as much as possible can help build a case against the abuser, should it be necessary.

Cape Town family lawyer can help

Post-separation abuse is a serious issue. It is not the same as high-conflict divorce. You do not have to tolerate a continuation of conflict after breaking free from an abusive relationship. If you are stuck in a pattern of abuse, seek help. If you are supporting someone you know, help them find the professional services they need.

SD Law & Associates are experts in divorce and family law, based in Cape Town, Johannesburg and Durban, and have dealt with many cases of domestic violence and emotional abuse in intimate relationships. If you are in a high-conflict relationship and considering divorce, we can help you break free and avoid post-separation abuse. Contact attorney Simon Dippenaar on 086 099 5146 or email simon@sdlaw.co.za.

Further reading:

·       Abusive relationships – why do some stay in them?

·       Understanding the dynamics of an abusive relationship

·       Breaking chains: understanding the complex barriers to leaving an abusive relationship

·       Moving on from abuse

·       Making your escape

Important resources:

·       The Reeva Rebecca Steenkamp Foundation

·       Rape Crisis

·       Lifeline Western Cape

·       POWA (People Opposing Women Abuse)

·       Sisters Incorporated

·       Huis Jabes

Thanks to onemomsbattle.com for the image of signs of post-separation abuse.

SD Law

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